Ok so I have decided. Since the doctors found no cause of illness, no illness, nothing for them to diagnose me with... the possibilities are now exhausted. At the current moment, the doctors believe that I have no terminal illness. So I am forced to just say screw it and agree with them. It will comeback though. It always does. Out of nowhere usually... or in the shower.. or on a bad day.. or after a movie or commercial.. or an internet symptom search. I have been in therapy long enough to recognize my patterns. Hypochondria to anorexia, anorexia to hypochondria.. it was not forced for the longest time.. its just how it worked. I like anorexia much more than hypochondria...and if I am going to HAVE to have one, I'm going to choose anorexia. Atleast I have CONTROL over that. My hypochondriasis is uncontrollable..it eats at me and kills me inside and there are no UPSIDES to it. The upside of my anorexia is that while I typically feel physically ill when I'm starving, it is in a good empty way. And all my clothes look nice. And I like to shop. And I like to leave the house. So after this big ass order of Taco Bell I'm about to consume... I'm going to start working at putting myself into the frame of mind I need to lose weight. And I know when I have gone too far. And I can start eating again and be fine. My ED therapist Kelly says " Why is it that you don't remember how you would come in here and tell me how exhausted you were and how horrible you felt physically all the time?", when I reveal my new philosophy to her. " I do..but it hurts a lot less than the other".
I have a typical regimen I go through when its time to start dieting....
1. I start buying tabloids (better than buying medical dictionaries)
2. I start googling SKINNY CELEBS or SKINNY or EMACIATED (better than googling 'night sweats, swollen glands, or lymphoma)
3. I stock up on supplies (much cheaper than blood work and CT scans)
-Fleet Enemas
-Green Vegetables
-Sugar Free Jello
-Bouillon cubes.. chicken or beef
-Caffeine
-Colon Cleanser
-Diet soda
-Multivitamin (so my hair doesnt fall out and i dont bruise)
4. Start silently chanting " you are fat you are fat you are fat" (feels better than you are sick you are sick you have cancer you have cancer
Let you know how it turns out
Annie
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Mrs. Robinson
He is such a sweet little thing. Just 20. Oh so adorable. He is my cousins best friend. He has been around my family since he was a kid. He has always had a crush on me. He is of age now. He is ADORABLE. We hung out last night... I want it. Just once. But I probably won't. I got drunk for the first time in a long time.... we kissed. Just slightly on the lips. My cousin got way too drunk and started fights and we had to leave. He saved me from myself..thanks cuz
Monday, July 30, 2007
My tympanic thermometer broke
I am both saddened and happy by this. Sad that I won't know if I continue to run a low grade fever, and happy because I cannot check it, because there is always some sort of fever, and then I will not get anxious. Ignorance is bliss.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
When it rains...it pours..
OK this is turning out to be like the worst sunday ever..almost comparable to when I found that 'lump' under my arm. The fight with the boyfriend.. then right after I stop blogging I check myspace.
I wont go into detail, but the one person I thought I could trust, one of the friend I spoke about in an earlier blog BACK STABBED THE HELL OUTTA ME. And with a LIE no doubt!!!??!!? I am 27 years old and thought I would be through this shit years ago, but apparently not. She told a friend of ours (girl being my former best friend) that I slept with a guy she slept with. SOOOOO NOT TRUE!!! Once when Frank and I were broken up we drunkenly made out like 6th graders but that was that. No one is answering my calls and I WANT ANSWERS. There will be HELL to pay!
I wont go into detail, but the one person I thought I could trust, one of the friend I spoke about in an earlier blog BACK STABBED THE HELL OUTTA ME. And with a LIE no doubt!!!??!!? I am 27 years old and thought I would be through this shit years ago, but apparently not. She told a friend of ours (girl being my former best friend) that I slept with a guy she slept with. SOOOOO NOT TRUE!!! Once when Frank and I were broken up we drunkenly made out like 6th graders but that was that. No one is answering my calls and I WANT ANSWERS. There will be HELL to pay!
That was actually refreshing
OK so its like 5 minutes since my last post an my anger tears have already dried. How thouroughly refreshing that was. Also, I guess venting here rather than sending 300 text messages expressing my anger to him prevent a lot of damage control later or tomorrow when I have completely calmed. Why should I blame him because I am alone today. The man does spend most of his hours when not working... actually all of them with me. I am kind of angry at him because being with him so much has aided in the isolation of my friends (read further down blog), and I feel like taking it out on him. He said to me when we were fighting " Are you mad that my friends don't shut me off because I blow them off for you all the time, but yours cut you off because you do it with me?". Maybe. But I do so much for his ass and he is so unappreciative , or atleast in my mind it is. I never know what is really the case or not the case because I am so confused most of the time. I have MANY things to do today. I could finish painting the garage, I could do my own damn yard work that needs done, I could rearrange my room and get rid of all my skinny clothes that I am desperate to fit into, I could go buy a new book, lay on the raft in my pool and READ, I could call up one of my friends and hope they don't tell me to fuck off, I could go visit family. I could CLEAN MY NEW CAR.... or.. I could accept the pending date that the finance manager of the dealership that I bought my new car offered. Yes, that sounds most appealing right now. But I won't. I cannot cheat. Want to. Can't. One of the biggest factors that I am with my current boyfriend is the trust that I have of him. He will never cheat on me, and I have never felt that with ANY man I've ever been in a relationship with. Mr. Finance manager is hot. He has got his shit together. He has got a nice brand new pretty white Escalade I could drive....but would he be the type I trust? Would he mind that my son wedges himself between he and I because he is jealous? First answer, no.. second answer yes. With all his childish and idiotic faults, I love my boyfriend. And that trust and reassurance thing is why. He stayed with me through all my psychotic hypochondriac testing... he provided assurance that I was FINE, and if I was NOT FINE, he would be here to help. He sat in a hospital ER with me for 12 hours straight once, KNOWING I was fine, but never once complaining. He helps me to eat.. to feel good about having curves. So...ok...pending date out of the question. I guess I'll read. Perhaps browse the book store for Anger Control or just Control in general titles.
AA
AA
I HATE my boyfriend
He spends everynight at my damn house, I cook for him, let him wash his clothes here, treat his kid wonderfully, make him part of my family and all I get from him is BULLSHIT! So today he SUPPOSEDLY has to go and do this yard work for his parents in their mountain property to work off some debt that he owes them. Mind you he does this everyday. So my son is with his father this weekend, I figure if he is not going to work on the mountain property than maybe we can spend some QT together, doing something fun rather than me feeding his stupid face and us passing out to Tv. First it is , yes he has to do the work. Now, its raining. He decides he is going to see his son. NOT A PROBLEM, but I know what this means. It means his fucking MANLOVER is right up the street, and not only will be he stopping to see his 'kid', it will no doubt invoke a visit to his MANLOVERS HOUSE , which can last hours. I am so fucking disgusted right now. Because I know him so well.. when he tells me he is going to see he his son, I give him a look of murder and say " I'm sure that includes seeing Brian as well". He shrugs and says " Well yeah, probably!"... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOATHE Brian. I have dubbed his house Brokeback Mountain because at one point in our relationship he was spending so much time over there that I figured they were doing more than 'playing hockey on xbox" ... more like playing tonsil hockey or giving each other blowjobs. Have you ever known a 29 (tomorrow) year old man who spends hours upon hours ALONE IN A HOUSE with the same fucking guy day after day. He hasn't done this in awile, but I know that once he visits, it will start a chain reaction of 'visits' in which I will suffer. Brian is agorophobic... for those of you who dont know what that is.. it is FEAR OF LEAVING THE HOUSE. He is a disgusting loser who smokes pot and looks like Master Shredder from Ninja Turtles (thats the rat isnt it?). He hates me and I hate him.. and I hate MORE that that asshole is going to spend AN OPEN SUNDAY WITH THAT PIECE OF SHIT! I got my period today, so I'm in an emotional/bad mood as it is.. when he told me , I managed to keep my cool for all of 3 minutes.. I got up, opened the door and told him to get the fuck out. ......then I proceeded to throw everthing in my grasp against the door. Then I have to get one last jab in .. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE out the door as he drives away. One thing I hate more than Brian is BEING IGNORED. So go out to Brians you fucking twit. Play with each others anuses and stick playstation controller vibrations on each others balls.... I feel like calling one of my stand-bys.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
What about your friends?
Last summer I had a slew of friends... I was never without anything to do, or no one to spend time with. My son is with his father. I COULD call any one of my friends, but I am kinda of weirded out by it. I have shut them out for so long, so they would not have to endure the crap I just went through. They are angry with me and annoyed. But I was going through a lot. My one friend.... my new BFF at the time.. has found 2 other 'groupies', I like to call them. No doubt they have plans today, and I dont want involved or I'll feel jealous. I wish my boyfriend would come home already.
Dear Diary..First entry
Ok.... so this is my second stab at blogging. I blogged on my myspace.. it was pretty popular, but I have recently run out of funny stories, and celebrity rantings and right now I don't know where the hell I am. I've lost my muse. I decided to give privacy blogging (ie, that my real life friends have no access to) a try again at the urging of another blogger, Miss Leila V. (check out her funny blog at http://theperfecthypochondriac.blogspot.com/)
A few things about myself before we begin:
1. I am a raging hypochondriac
2. I am neurotic and anxiety ridden
3. I am in eating disorder remission
4. I think Tony totally was killed on the Sopranos
5. I am a mother
6. I am a chain smoker
7. I am confused
8. I don't really have any TOO-MAH's (according to the docs)
9. I think too much
10. I am in the proccess of weening myself off of benzo's (The benzodiazepines (pronounced [ˌbenzəʊdaɪˈæzəpiːnz], or "benzos" for short) are a class of psychoactive drugs considered minor tranquilizers with varying hypnotic, sedative, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties, which are mediated by slowing down the central nervous system.[)
So... all of this sounds pretty negative right? Well my life is not actually bad at all, At the ripe age of 27 I have become a bona fide pessimist and right now I'm in a stage between extreme anxiety and normalcy. That stage is called DEPRESSION. I have not experienced depression in years, so I am having a tough time dealing with it. Most of my ramblings in this blog will have A LOT to do with HEALTH, HYPOCHONDRIA, ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS, AND EATING DISORDERS. I hope that anyone who happens to fall upon this and can relate please contact me. I need new friends that understand that I cannot be diagnosed, but I am mentally unstable.
On Hypochondria: In the past 12 monthes, I have diagnosed myself with the following diseases, or possible diseases... LYMPHOMA (both hodgkins and non hodgkins), OVARIAN CANCER, AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES (hiv, lyme, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis).... and many more.
I have spent , or should I say, ACCRUED thousands of dollars in debt to find out that no, no doctors believe I have any one of these diseases and have been given a clean bill of health by 3 GP'S, 2 ER docs, and 2 surgeons. I have had 3 CT scans, 2 with barium and iv dye contrast, one pelvic ultrasound, countless bloodtests, and a chest xray. I pushed for a PET scan and an excisional biopsy, but the docs say they cant give me the PET unless they think I have cancer or already do for sure, and they cannot biopsy me because CT shows nothing to biopsy. During this period of time, I popped many Ativans and cried many tears, and blew off work , drove my family and boyfriend crazy, shunned my friends, and uglified myself. Now that I have NO CHOICE but to believe that I am ok, which trust me, is a RELIEF... I'm left feeling exhausted and overworked, and dopesick because I exceeded the dosage on the Ativans and now I dont need them as much. Liken it to running a huge marathon without training first, and then waking up the next day.
On being NEUROTIC AND ANXIETY RIDDEN: I have and always will be a very nervous and anxious person. Usually with no cause, possible cause, and rarely with good cause. I obsessively check my body for 'problems'. I dig my fingers into my neck and into my collarbones searching for abnormalities. I dig them into my abdomen. I obsessively take my temperature, yes all 3 ways.. tympanic, oral.. and on many occasions.. even rectal. I worry about everything and nothing and usually feel like my skin is crawling, even on a good day. Before, I was REALLY bad.. i mean years ago.. it lightened up... would come back here and there, and recently in the past 3 monthes it came back full force.
About my 'remissioned' EATING DISORDER. Classified as Eating Disorder unspecified. Though, the doctor diagnosis that prevented my new job insurance company from insuring me was Anorexia Nervosa. Right now I am at a normal weight..106 lbs and 4'11. Entirely too big for my tastes, but my therapist loves it, as does my boyfriend who wouldnt even touch me when I was at my happy weight, 83 lbs. For the past 3 years I would switch disorders, Id go hardcore starvation/bulimia...get worn down.. diagnose myself with a disease.. no disease found.. then starvation.. collapse.. diagnose myself with disease.. and around and round we go. This round of hypo was so bad, that I chucked my ED and put on all of this weight. The ED is the one mental health issue that I enjoy, and I'm having a tough time throwing myself back into my old 'habits'. My therapists, family, doctors are elated.... I am pissed.
On weening off off BENZOS: This is where the pain kicks in. I feel dopesick and physically ill. They really helped through the hypo and all the testing, but now when I don't take any my muscles and back ache,.. I feel nauseous and cold and terrible and the anxiety comes back full force. So we are slowly tapering from these.. and I will NEVER take them again.
So thats it for now.... me in a NUT shell (no pun intended).. I'll probably be back later to create more posts. I have nothing to do today, and not the energy to do things that NEED to be done..
Take care
Annie
A few things about myself before we begin:
1. I am a raging hypochondriac
2. I am neurotic and anxiety ridden
3. I am in eating disorder remission
4. I think Tony totally was killed on the Sopranos
5. I am a mother
6. I am a chain smoker
7. I am confused
8. I don't really have any TOO-MAH's (according to the docs)
9. I think too much
10. I am in the proccess of weening myself off of benzo's (The benzodiazepines (pronounced [ˌbenzəʊdaɪˈæzəpiːnz], or "benzos" for short) are a class of psychoactive drugs considered minor tranquilizers with varying hypnotic, sedative, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties, which are mediated by slowing down the central nervous system.[)
So... all of this sounds pretty negative right? Well my life is not actually bad at all, At the ripe age of 27 I have become a bona fide pessimist and right now I'm in a stage between extreme anxiety and normalcy. That stage is called DEPRESSION. I have not experienced depression in years, so I am having a tough time dealing with it. Most of my ramblings in this blog will have A LOT to do with HEALTH, HYPOCHONDRIA, ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS, AND EATING DISORDERS. I hope that anyone who happens to fall upon this and can relate please contact me. I need new friends that understand that I cannot be diagnosed, but I am mentally unstable.
On Hypochondria: In the past 12 monthes, I have diagnosed myself with the following diseases, or possible diseases... LYMPHOMA (both hodgkins and non hodgkins), OVARIAN CANCER, AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES (hiv, lyme, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis).... and many more.
I have spent , or should I say, ACCRUED thousands of dollars in debt to find out that no, no doctors believe I have any one of these diseases and have been given a clean bill of health by 3 GP'S, 2 ER docs, and 2 surgeons. I have had 3 CT scans, 2 with barium and iv dye contrast, one pelvic ultrasound, countless bloodtests, and a chest xray. I pushed for a PET scan and an excisional biopsy, but the docs say they cant give me the PET unless they think I have cancer or already do for sure, and they cannot biopsy me because CT shows nothing to biopsy. During this period of time, I popped many Ativans and cried many tears, and blew off work , drove my family and boyfriend crazy, shunned my friends, and uglified myself. Now that I have NO CHOICE but to believe that I am ok, which trust me, is a RELIEF... I'm left feeling exhausted and overworked, and dopesick because I exceeded the dosage on the Ativans and now I dont need them as much. Liken it to running a huge marathon without training first, and then waking up the next day.
On being NEUROTIC AND ANXIETY RIDDEN: I have and always will be a very nervous and anxious person. Usually with no cause, possible cause, and rarely with good cause. I obsessively check my body for 'problems'. I dig my fingers into my neck and into my collarbones searching for abnormalities. I dig them into my abdomen. I obsessively take my temperature, yes all 3 ways.. tympanic, oral.. and on many occasions.. even rectal. I worry about everything and nothing and usually feel like my skin is crawling, even on a good day. Before, I was REALLY bad.. i mean years ago.. it lightened up... would come back here and there, and recently in the past 3 monthes it came back full force.
About my 'remissioned' EATING DISORDER. Classified as Eating Disorder unspecified. Though, the doctor diagnosis that prevented my new job insurance company from insuring me was Anorexia Nervosa. Right now I am at a normal weight..106 lbs and 4'11. Entirely too big for my tastes, but my therapist loves it, as does my boyfriend who wouldnt even touch me when I was at my happy weight, 83 lbs. For the past 3 years I would switch disorders, Id go hardcore starvation/bulimia...get worn down.. diagnose myself with a disease.. no disease found.. then starvation.. collapse.. diagnose myself with disease.. and around and round we go. This round of hypo was so bad, that I chucked my ED and put on all of this weight. The ED is the one mental health issue that I enjoy, and I'm having a tough time throwing myself back into my old 'habits'. My therapists, family, doctors are elated.... I am pissed.
On weening off off BENZOS: This is where the pain kicks in. I feel dopesick and physically ill. They really helped through the hypo and all the testing, but now when I don't take any my muscles and back ache,.. I feel nauseous and cold and terrible and the anxiety comes back full force. So we are slowly tapering from these.. and I will NEVER take them again.
So thats it for now.... me in a NUT shell (no pun intended).. I'll probably be back later to create more posts. I have nothing to do today, and not the energy to do things that NEED to be done..
Take care
Annie
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