What happens when you have 4 cavities to fill and the novocaine isnt working....

THE DENTIST GIVES YOU 10 SHOTS AND THEN YOU ARE IN FUCKING PAIN ALL DAMN DAY WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And NOW it becomes clear..

I got my period today. Would explain why I've been a miseable , crying, whining baby for 2 weeks now. I think I'm gonna see my gyno about that PMDD or whatever it is called.. that is worse than normal PMS. I feel fine today. Odd. And I felt fine last night as well. I'm glad I found a reason and not that I'm just going soft. What a relief! Also relieved due to the fact that Doc and I played 'Just the tip' last weekend, and I'm paranoid like that. Yesterday I spent the day with my friend Beth talking about her horrible husband and laying out in the pool. We decided to go see my uncles band... which is a cover band of Bon Jovi/Journey. LOVESSSSSSSSS Journey. I used to like Bon Jovi until my kid got a fascination with them and I have to hear their music constantly. I danced for 4 hours straight and HARDCORE danced to the normal songs the dj played in between sets. I am very sore but I feel rejuvenated and much better. I love dancing. Sooo much. It is my release.. always has been. I just wish I could take private classes so I could do it all of the time. I would give up anything else I do and just do that. Makes me feel good and is a great workout. Haven't heard from Doc. Don't care either. Odd.. I guess I'm just expelling all of the negative energy and neediness from my woman parts. So weird how that works eh?

Bullshit

OKEEEEEEEEEEE SOOOO WE FINALLY HEARD FROM THE GOOD DOCTOR!! THIS MORNING ON TEXT.. WENT EXACTLY LIKE THIS

" Hey Sweetie!! So sorry I missed you yesterday, I had to work late and caught a ride over to Pitt this morn. I'm about to board the plane now and will hit you up later"


HAHAHAHAHAH my take on this: BULLSHIT.. PLEASE! YOUR THOUGHTS?

BITTER

It is 9:42 pm on friday...

and i have just given up all hope on atleast a ' im sorry , was running late at the hospital, cant see you tonight but im goin to miss you blablabla ' bullshit call. I am absolutely humiliated, and regardless of what i said before.. completely shocked. F it. I have Ativan and a good book.

F you fake doctor!

Wait...

Surge of girl power after reading last post... WHY WOULD I LET ANYONE WHO DID OR DIDNT CALL ME THAT I WASNT IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTHER ME TO THE POINT OF BLOGGING ABOUT THEM EVERYDAY? I am turning into one of those girls that I can't stand. The kind of girl I never was until like, 2 monthes ago. No GUY could bring me down before. Odd. You know, it MIGHT have something to do with the hypochondria which is why this is bothering me so much. I finally got rid of my last bout of it. And then I was thinking,, wow.. if I dated this guy , I could call him up at any time and ask him any number of things before I started to freak out. But guess what, I'm sure I still can. He is nice enough that even if he is not interested in me, that I'm sure he would answer my health questions. I feel better already. Please let it be 5 already. My boss is on my ass today.

DENIED.. again.. *sigh*

Well, I have managed to get through the past few days without crying every second. Wednesday was one of those days... my friend Marc helped out a lot. And so did dance class. I learned tango. Dr. Love did finally call. It was a good call. Basically he said that he hadn't got his grade yet.. so didn't know if we would be seeing each other Friday night (now tonight), but he would probably know on Thursday (yesterday) and call to let me know. Well.. to my chagrin.. no call. I got through this anxious period of waiting by going drinking with my girlfriends and dancing. I broke down and texted him this morning " Hey hotstuff, just wanted to know if you had any updates on whats up for tonight. Hit me up when you aren't busy".... its been hours and no reply. I guess I can be happy for this. I am not the kind of girl that is good in long distance relationships, or relationships where I don't get a lot of attention. He is not capable of this, and it would cause me a lot of unneeded anxiety. Though on the phone on Wednesday, he did say that he was already looking at how to get reservations for this resort by my house. I asked why and he said cause he is coming back to see me. I said " I thought I was coming to you" to which he replied " oh no, you are goin to come see me in like less than a month right?". Wrong. Blowing smoke up my ass just like I thought. I hate guys and their lies I swear. I would rather someone just tell me to f off you know? Anyway, I am taking it a lot better than I thought I would. I may just relax and read tonight. It is too damn hot to do anything else!!!! So long, Dr. Love, you left me with a fixed shoulder, a non-infected toe cut , and a good memory.

PS

I promise I am not really this miserable all of the time.. I'm actually a nice funny cool chick, or atleast in my own mind... I think I only have one reader so its ok, but I promise at some point these posts won't be so WHOA IS ME... aside from my bitchings, my life is pretty damn good..

I need more readers and friends. I should lighten up eh?

DENIED

Ok so, I see my new psychiatrist today. My therapist said that the new doc would most likely write me a letter of remission for anorexia so that I can receive health benefits through my work. DENIED. He told me he would write no such letter.. that it would not matter anyway, and basically blew me off! I'm so screwed. The only thing that I can think to do is to send a nude picture of myself into the health insurance company like LOOK ASSHOLES!!! IM OK!...

Ugh.. anyway.. have not heard from Dr. Love. I broke down and sent him a text yesterday just saying hope you are having a good week. I did receive a text from him this morning saying he was sorry sweetie, just got off of 'call' (8 am) and would get at me when he woke up. I do not expect to hear from him. I do not expect to see him this weekend either. Just not my luck.

Yesterday was bad.. I think I may have drunken blogged lastnight but I haven't checked. I drank wayyyyyyy too many Bacardi and diets. I yelled at people on the phone. I drunk dialed. I called my Dad bawling, telling him I wanted to cut off all of my skin. It was bad. I woke up today surprisingly NOT hungover and emotionally feeling a bit better. I am not ok though. I think I am going through a depression. Odd, because I typically am more ANXIOUS than depressed. But I feel I want to cry all the time lately. PLEASEEEEEEE let this just be a bad case of PMS. Id much rather be mean and pissed than sad. Sad makes me weak. I hate WEAK. I hate being out of control.

I hate this being alone crap. F you Frank. I was unhappy with you, but yet you were here everynight to hold me. I hate dating. I hate games. I am 27 years old and just ready to settle the F down.

In this skin..

I do not feel comfortable..i feel disgusted.. with myself and everyone else.. i figured id drink tonight to numb the pain.. it only made it that much worse.. i feel like taking a knife and stripping myself of my flesh... i cant stand to be in this body and feel how i feel.. or how i let anyone make me feel.. now i understand why people cut

Story of my life

I will go into detail later when I am not so tired. Had a wonderful weekend with Dr. Hot. Right now I am terribly depressed that he is leaving, even though he invited me to come visit Tampa next month. ... Ugh... Goodbyes... why why why do i always click with the ones i cant have.

He called..

Yes, finally. At 5:00 pm yesterday. I was just about to get really really upset. According to my friend Eric, and many many books, he should have called the next day....BUT I guess I can be thankful that he didn't wait the FULL ridiculous 3 day waiting period that most guys wait. Anyhow, he has some kind of dinner and seminar being that he is leaving, so if that is on Friday then I will see him Saturday. We will go to an amusement park in Pittsburgh and then he will stay in a hotel room. And I will probably stay with him, BUT I will make sure NOT TO SHAVE the nether regions so I am not tempted to sleep with him. Hahaha. I don't know about you ladies, but that is sort of my own personal chastity belt. I don't care how tipsy I am, if I am less than perfectly groomed there you aren't getting anywhere near there!! Unless of course we have been together for a long time. So yes, hopefully he keeps the plans. It was a pretty good day. It is odd... I will go for long stretches of time when I am single and have no romantic prospects whatsoever, and then all of a sudden they come out of the woodwork. For work, I am in marketing... and just landed a new client yesterday. He is not only a new client, but also a GORGEOUS latino single dad... who is funny.. and sweet.. and interested. But low and behold, guess what.. he is geographic location is across the state. He did send me his business though, and I am allowed to arrange business meetings anywhere in the U.S.... so perhaps I will take advantage of my expense account and make a trip to Philly soon.

Aside from that, I went to dance class last night. We added Samba to the Rumba and Quickstep dances we have learned so far. I LOVE IT! It just isn't enough. One hour one day a week. I want latin/ballroom dancing 24/7 baby now that I have a taste for it! Soooo fun. My shrink told me to get a hobby and this one I think can turn out to be fun...


And how was your day?


AA

I've got a secret enemy..

Ok so.. yesterday I click on my myspace and notice there have been a few changes made... someone changed my status and mood to some rude things.. the status was " Tania is elated because she thinks she fooling everyone and shes not"... and my mood DIRTY. Hrmm.. this is upsetting..I quickly changed my password, but that doesn't still mean that this person, who is obviously mad at me, figured out my password, changed my profile to mean things and THEN I notice they changed one of my picture captions to something rude about a guy in it and then posted a kind of mean comment under it, BY ME, that I had written to one of my girlfriends about the guy in the picture!!!!!! This also means, that they have read every single sent and received message I have on that site, for like the last 10 monthes, being that I never erase any of it...therefore this person knows pretty much everything about me and some things I dont want ANYONE to know!!! UGH! I MIGHT know who it is..but have no idea why he would be so upset with me as to hack into my account and do this.

Also, my hypochondriacs dream, Dr. Geno.. did not call me yesterday. I havent talked to him since he called me to say Goodnight on Sunday. Sad sad sad. I should have known. I mean I know I shouldn't overreact, it is only Tuesday, but according to HE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU, this is not a good thing, and busy with rotations or not, if he was thinking of me, he would have called...

Anyways.. because of my myspace hijack, I had to go through and remove a lot of things.. one of them being something I blogged about when I first started putting on weight after my eating disorder that I had set to private. I had to delete it but am going to post it here because I don't know what else to do with it...:::::::::


Do you use self-injury (cutting yourself, burning yourself, pulling out your own hair) as a way to cope with things?The answer for me is, no. I do not. There is a woman at work that I'm fairly sure engages in atleast one of these activities. I often wonder about her. I've been silently watching her from afar for over 2 years now. She has a very shocking appearance. She has got extremely thin hair and it looks as if there are huge chunks out of it in certain places. She never puts it up in a ponytail and I never understand this. It may cover up her bald spots. I used to think perhaps she was sick in some way.. perhaps going through chemotherapy or had some other sort of health issue. After going through what I have been through I am fairly sure she has an eating disorder of some type. Thought perhaps maybe her hair was just falling out. It happened to me, though never at that extent. I'm willing to bet she pulls it out. Her face is concave and her eyes pop out. I'm betting she is mid 30's but looks so haggard that she has the face of an elderly woman. Two years ago I used to cringe at the way her hips and saddle bags looked in her pants. She was pretty thin but it always looked as if her jeans were painfully cutting into them. Right now she is SUPER THIN. She has still got those hips. I imagine her looking into the mirror and obsessing over them. She looks underweight but perhaps genetics from mom or dad's mom cursed her with those hips. She has probably convinced herself that if she just diets more and more they will go away. I imagine that she has been doing this for 20 years now. Maybe a little less. It usually takes years and years of abuse and restriction before an eating disorder would affect a persons general appearance in such a way. I really feel bad for her. I want to ask her SOOOO bad. I want to go up and just give her that 'knowing' look. When I catch her in the breakroom on lunch I make it a point to casually walk by to see what she is consuming. I can never tell. I don't want to make it too obvious. Last year when I myself started to get painfully thin, I would catch her look at me. I already knew what she was thinking. She was looking at me with that awed look that eating disordered women have when they see another thin woman. It's envious and loathsome all at once. She still makes it a point to look at me. She may or may not have an idea of what I am going through. Probably just sees that I am young, or atleast look extremely young and its all genetics.Though it was The kind of thin that gives people a shock. My family has expressed concern as have my friends. I notice that heavier women tend to notice.. but other thin women would not consider what I was as ANA (anorexia) skinny. This does not just happen with her. It happens with me and all women. If there is one thing that I can say about myself is that I am extremely perceptive. I can usually tell if someone is thin by genetics or a possible eating disorder. Another girl at work. I am sort of torn on her. Shes young and petite and auburn haired. She is TINY.. I find myself looking at her with that envy/loathing look. She does not have an ANA walk about her. The ' im folding myself into myself' look. She walks upright, proud..struts almost. Good genes, I told myself. Until one day I passed her in the breakroom. Her lunch consisted of a rather large piece of chocolate cake which she devoured. I knew where she was headed after that cake was gone.Right now I am what you would considered 'recovered'.. My weight has gone up from 83 at lowest to 106 (cringe) lbs in a year. Unlike typical girls with an eating disorder I am very open about it. Most girls keep it hidden like a dirty secret. Not me. I have embraced how fucking crazy I am over the years. I've got nothing to hide. This is just another chapter in the HOW MANY MENTAL DISORDERS YOU CAN GET IN 10 YEARS book that I am considering writing. I am at a crossroads right now. I miss ANA sooooo much it hurts. I hate my body right now to the point where I don't even want to look nice. Or attempt to look nice. The positive compliments and attention I have been receiving lately should keep me ok. But they never did. They don't mean shit to me. Only how I feel inside. Right now I am shaking like a leaf. Anxious, sick, screaming inside. I've just got 3 espressos trying to expel what is left of yesterdays binging. I cannot even type anymore

A hypochondriac's DREAM come true..

Ok so we know I have been very down lately.. my mood took a drastic upswing this weekend. Saturday I met up with my Aunt Sue and Uncle Alan in Pittsburgh after the Steelers game. We got tickets to go see DJ AM at Prive. (DJ AM.. aka Nicole Richie, my thinspiration's ex). They had a room at the Renaissance hotel, and I got there before they were finished dressing. Decided to start early and have a drink in the lobby bar. So, I'm sitting there sipping a bacardi and diet when a really cute guy approached. Oh god, I'm thinking. Not really wanting to be bothered, but I am alone and kind of bored at this point. He seems very nice, we get to talking and I learn that he had finished medical school and is doing a residency at UPMC hospital. A doctor. He is impressed by my knowledge of certain medical things, and of course I do not tell him that is because I have probably done more internet health research than he has learned in med school, but that I know medical terminology due to the fact that I once was in school for medical assisting (which is true). He seems taken with me, I am enjoying his company.. my aunt and uncle are ready to go and he takes my number and maybe we will meet up sometime. So we go to the club and it was soooooooooooo fun. DJ AM is great, good mixing, mashups and he plays a lot of 80s. So we leave the club, and my fashionista aunt decides in her tequila stupor to tell me that she doesnt like my dress. Usually I get upset but I told her her dress was fucking ugly as well and we got into a fun fun fun sparring match in the back seat of the Denali... hahahah love her. Anyway.. just as we are walking back into the hotel, guess who else is walking in. Dr. Hotstuff. I'd be really cheesy and cliche and call him McDreamy, but no, for now he is Dr. Geno Hotstuff. He is like " wow.. i cant believe it.. ive been thinking of you all night". We have both had quite a lot to drink and he lifts me onto the grand piano in the lobby and begins to play. I am having a blast.. so much that when my uncle orders pizza I agree to have some. My aunt and uncle tell me to invite Dr. Hotstuff up to the room to hang out and he happily agrees. We had a joint room and they were huge and nice. We chitchat with my aunt and uncle, we learn that he is leaning toward pediatrics, but is also considering plastic surgery. My aunt takes another jab at my dress and I chase her into her part of the room and smash a piece of pizza in her face.. hahaha once again... love this chick. So they leave us to ourselves and we have an amazing time. We kiss a little bit, talk about everything.. he is very gentlemanly, he is not trying to have sex with me or even lure me into the situation. I am tipsy so I start asking a ton of medical questions and this is great. He gives me a thorough exam right there on my hotel bed..hahahahah.... no no no no gynocology involved. He also completed his residency on osteopathic medicine and my back is hurting so he gives me a great adjustment and massages my lymph nodes.... I am thinking.. CUTE, NICE, SMART AND A FRIGGIN DOCTOR.. if this works out he can save me a TON of money and a lot of worry! HAHAHA.. so we end up falling asleep cuddling together. We only had about an hour or so of sleep because we talked all night.. He wakes me up by kissing my cheek telling me how beautiful I am. We get up and talk a walk hand in hand to Starbucks. I ask him, doesn't he want to go back to his room? No, he does not want to leave me. We have coffee in the lobby and he says " So , when can I see you again?".... "Well, when do you WANT to see me?", I ask. " Today". Great. I live about an hour outside of the city, so when I leave he follows and I take him into the mountains.. we hike through the woods a little and settle onto a rock near some waterfalls to lay out enjoy the sun and talk. I am digging him more and more by the second. It was just SO ODD. You NEVER run into someone out like that and proceed to spend the next however many hours with them. Here is the sad part... he is originally from Tampa, and in now 9 days, will go back to Tampa. Just my luck. I am having so much fun, but yet filled with a kind of sadness. This is someone I could totally see myself with... and he isnt your typical doctor type.... he is 28.. he is NICE.. he isnt conceited and he is completely doting on me. We leave and have dinner, and he needs to leave because my son is coming home from the weekend with dad and he has to be up at 4 am to get to the hospital for rounds. He tells me that he will probably be back in Pittsburgh after his month in Tampa, because he wants to finish residency at UPMC. He tells me he believes in fate and how weird it was how we kept on running into each other, same floor etc. He could also be blowing smoke up my ass, but I didn't put out,nor am I going to , so I don't know why. We won't see each other all week, but he wants to see me this weekend before he leaves..... I am excited, yet sad. But this weekend was definately something I needed. I feel a lot better. PLEASE let him call again.

LET ME JUST MAKE THIS CLEAR

This blog is not intended to glorify eating disorders or anything else. It is a terrible horrible disgusting way to live... I blog about it because it is a part of my life and a place .. the ONLY place for me to vent and the only people who should think anything into it are people who have them themselves for relation purposes.... DO NOT STARVE.. DO NOT PUKE.. EAT HEALTHY BE WELL! Don't follow in my disgusting footsteps please. Thanks

oh.. my.. god.. this.. sucks...

When am i gonna post something positive? i hate feeling this way.. whiney bitching little baby needy ........ i am disgusting

The picture speaks for itself

This is how I feel right about now..instead of eating my anorexia lunchables, I ate tilapia and broccoli yesterday.. and alcohol.. that was the kicker.. I feel like shit.. Frank and I so over. Finally talked to him tonight. He is done. I am here alone.. and feel so alone... I can find nothing to sate me. I miss him.. he may come back, but this time it feels real. He sleeps with me everynight and I have been without him for a week...I HATE THIS. I'm going to visit my old flame from Philly, Eric real soon.. so that might take off the edge..

WOOOOOWWWW

My kid is in there watching old videos of when he started kindergarten. 2005.... i look GREAT! Sooooo effing skinny.. no curves whatsoever.. just straight up and down THIN.... I see this as a sign.. WHY would he be watching that this morning and why would i walk in right when i was in the camera view. HOW did I have that discipline??? I'm getting it back, I am....ive GOT TO.. i wont need my friends OR a boyfriend.. it will just be me and my obsession and my shopping. i loved going shopping when the lbs were dropping daily. I would pick out a bunch of tiny clothes.. the tiniest i could get.. thinking no way this would fit and then id be given more reason to diet further... get smaller. I would put them on and they would FIT !!! I would go crazy with glee in the dressing room ... just awed at what i was seeing. I would stand there for 20 minutes taking in every angle admiring my bones. Sometimes on bad days i would look at my bones and they were not boney enough..but at my best (my therapist would say worst), id walk out in a sleepy happy daze. I long for that feeling with the emptiness I feel everywhere else. I'll trade empties.

AA

So I guess I am single again..

Here we go again..break up with Frank # 2837493827. Wonder if this one will be permanent or he will come a knocking again in a week or so. F it. I am tired. Sick and tired. Of everyone. I just want to be left alone anyway. I'm saving lots of money by not having to go out for his bday. I hung out with my ex bf , mr lawyer thursday night. He is fun. I dont trust him, but he is fun. I was doing so great on my eating.. until last night in the middle of the night i guess i ate two bowls of cereal. Dont even remember doing it. But that happens when I restrict. I will often wake up covered in some random food that i dont even like.. blah.. i feel sick.

Taco Hell

Ok so I have decided. Since the doctors found no cause of illness, no illness, nothing for them to diagnose me with... the possibilities are now exhausted. At the current moment, the doctors believe that I have no terminal illness. So I am forced to just say screw it and agree with them. It will comeback though. It always does. Out of nowhere usually... or in the shower.. or on a bad day.. or after a movie or commercial.. or an internet symptom search. I have been in therapy long enough to recognize my patterns. Hypochondria to anorexia, anorexia to hypochondria.. it was not forced for the longest time.. its just how it worked. I like anorexia much more than hypochondria...and if I am going to HAVE to have one, I'm going to choose anorexia. Atleast I have CONTROL over that. My hypochondriasis is uncontrollable..it eats at me and kills me inside and there are no UPSIDES to it. The upside of my anorexia is that while I typically feel physically ill when I'm starving, it is in a good empty way. And all my clothes look nice. And I like to shop. And I like to leave the house. So after this big ass order of Taco Bell I'm about to consume... I'm going to start working at putting myself into the frame of mind I need to lose weight. And I know when I have gone too far. And I can start eating again and be fine. My ED therapist Kelly says " Why is it that you don't remember how you would come in here and tell me how exhausted you were and how horrible you felt physically all the time?", when I reveal my new philosophy to her. " I do..but it hurts a lot less than the other".

I have a typical regimen I go through when its time to start dieting....
1. I start buying tabloids (better than buying medical dictionaries)
2. I start googling SKINNY CELEBS or SKINNY or EMACIATED (better than googling 'night sweats, swollen glands, or lymphoma)
3. I stock up on supplies (much cheaper than blood work and CT scans)

-Fleet Enemas
-Green Vegetables
-Sugar Free Jello
-Bouillon cubes.. chicken or beef
-Caffeine
-Colon Cleanser
-Diet soda
-Multivitamin (so my hair doesnt fall out and i dont bruise)
4. Start silently chanting " you are fat you are fat you are fat" (feels better than you are sick you are sick you have cancer you have cancer

Let you know how it turns out

Annie

Mrs. Robinson

He is such a sweet little thing. Just 20. Oh so adorable. He is my cousins best friend. He has been around my family since he was a kid. He has always had a crush on me. He is of age now. He is ADORABLE. We hung out last night... I want it. Just once. But I probably won't. I got drunk for the first time in a long time.... we kissed. Just slightly on the lips. My cousin got way too drunk and started fights and we had to leave. He saved me from myself..thanks cuz

That date is sounding more appealing by the minute..

He is not spending his birthday with me.

My tympanic thermometer broke

I am both saddened and happy by this. Sad that I won't know if I continue to run a low grade fever, and happy because I cannot check it, because there is always some sort of fever, and then I will not get anxious. Ignorance is bliss.

When it rains...it pours..

OK this is turning out to be like the worst sunday ever..almost comparable to when I found that 'lump' under my arm. The fight with the boyfriend.. then right after I stop blogging I check myspace.
I wont go into detail, but the one person I thought I could trust, one of the friend I spoke about in an earlier blog BACK STABBED THE HELL OUTTA ME. And with a LIE no doubt!!!??!!? I am 27 years old and thought I would be through this shit years ago, but apparently not. She told a friend of ours (girl being my former best friend) that I slept with a guy she slept with. SOOOOO NOT TRUE!!! Once when Frank and I were broken up we drunkenly made out like 6th graders but that was that. No one is answering my calls and I WANT ANSWERS. There will be HELL to pay!

That was actually refreshing

OK so its like 5 minutes since my last post an my anger tears have already dried. How thouroughly refreshing that was. Also, I guess venting here rather than sending 300 text messages expressing my anger to him prevent a lot of damage control later or tomorrow when I have completely calmed. Why should I blame him because I am alone today. The man does spend most of his hours when not working... actually all of them with me. I am kind of angry at him because being with him so much has aided in the isolation of my friends (read further down blog), and I feel like taking it out on him. He said to me when we were fighting " Are you mad that my friends don't shut me off because I blow them off for you all the time, but yours cut you off because you do it with me?". Maybe. But I do so much for his ass and he is so unappreciative , or atleast in my mind it is. I never know what is really the case or not the case because I am so confused most of the time. I have MANY things to do today. I could finish painting the garage, I could do my own damn yard work that needs done, I could rearrange my room and get rid of all my skinny clothes that I am desperate to fit into, I could go buy a new book, lay on the raft in my pool and READ, I could call up one of my friends and hope they don't tell me to fuck off, I could go visit family. I could CLEAN MY NEW CAR.... or.. I could accept the pending date that the finance manager of the dealership that I bought my new car offered. Yes, that sounds most appealing right now. But I won't. I cannot cheat. Want to. Can't. One of the biggest factors that I am with my current boyfriend is the trust that I have of him. He will never cheat on me, and I have never felt that with ANY man I've ever been in a relationship with. Mr. Finance manager is hot. He has got his shit together. He has got a nice brand new pretty white Escalade I could drive....but would he be the type I trust? Would he mind that my son wedges himself between he and I because he is jealous? First answer, no.. second answer yes. With all his childish and idiotic faults, I love my boyfriend. And that trust and reassurance thing is why. He stayed with me through all my psychotic hypochondriac testing... he provided assurance that I was FINE, and if I was NOT FINE, he would be here to help. He sat in a hospital ER with me for 12 hours straight once, KNOWING I was fine, but never once complaining. He helps me to eat.. to feel good about having curves. So...ok...pending date out of the question. I guess I'll read. Perhaps browse the book store for Anger Control or just Control in general titles.

AA

I HATE my boyfriend

He spends everynight at my damn house, I cook for him, let him wash his clothes here, treat his kid wonderfully, make him part of my family and all I get from him is BULLSHIT! So today he SUPPOSEDLY has to go and do this yard work for his parents in their mountain property to work off some debt that he owes them. Mind you he does this everyday. So my son is with his father this weekend, I figure if he is not going to work on the mountain property than maybe we can spend some QT together, doing something fun rather than me feeding his stupid face and us passing out to Tv. First it is , yes he has to do the work. Now, its raining. He decides he is going to see his son. NOT A PROBLEM, but I know what this means. It means his fucking MANLOVER is right up the street, and not only will be he stopping to see his 'kid', it will no doubt invoke a visit to his MANLOVERS HOUSE , which can last hours. I am so fucking disgusted right now. Because I know him so well.. when he tells me he is going to see he his son, I give him a look of murder and say " I'm sure that includes seeing Brian as well". He shrugs and says " Well yeah, probably!"... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOATHE Brian. I have dubbed his house Brokeback Mountain because at one point in our relationship he was spending so much time over there that I figured they were doing more than 'playing hockey on xbox" ... more like playing tonsil hockey or giving each other blowjobs. Have you ever known a 29 (tomorrow) year old man who spends hours upon hours ALONE IN A HOUSE with the same fucking guy day after day. He hasn't done this in awile, but I know that once he visits, it will start a chain reaction of 'visits' in which I will suffer. Brian is agorophobic... for those of you who dont know what that is.. it is FEAR OF LEAVING THE HOUSE. He is a disgusting loser who smokes pot and looks like Master Shredder from Ninja Turtles (thats the rat isnt it?). He hates me and I hate him.. and I hate MORE that that asshole is going to spend AN OPEN SUNDAY WITH THAT PIECE OF SHIT! I got my period today, so I'm in an emotional/bad mood as it is.. when he told me , I managed to keep my cool for all of 3 minutes.. I got up, opened the door and told him to get the fuck out. ......then I proceeded to throw everthing in my grasp against the door. Then I have to get one last jab in .. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE out the door as he drives away. One thing I hate more than Brian is BEING IGNORED. So go out to Brians you fucking twit. Play with each others anuses and stick playstation controller vibrations on each others balls.... I feel like calling one of my stand-bys.

What about your friends?

Last summer I had a slew of friends... I was never without anything to do, or no one to spend time with. My son is with his father. I COULD call any one of my friends, but I am kinda of weirded out by it. I have shut them out for so long, so they would not have to endure the crap I just went through. They are angry with me and annoyed. But I was going through a lot. My one friend.... my new BFF at the time.. has found 2 other 'groupies', I like to call them. No doubt they have plans today, and I dont want involved or I'll feel jealous. I wish my boyfriend would come home already.

Dear Diary..First entry

Ok.... so this is my second stab at blogging. I blogged on my myspace.. it was pretty popular, but I have recently run out of funny stories, and celebrity rantings and right now I don't know where the hell I am. I've lost my muse. I decided to give privacy blogging (ie, that my real life friends have no access to) a try again at the urging of another blogger, Miss Leila V. (check out her funny blog at http://theperfecthypochondriac.blogspot.com/)

A few things about myself before we begin:

1. I am a raging hypochondriac
2. I am neurotic and anxiety ridden
3. I am in eating disorder remission
4. I think Tony totally was killed on the Sopranos
5. I am a mother
6. I am a chain smoker
7. I am confused
8. I don't really have any TOO-MAH's (according to the docs)
9. I think too much
10. I am in the proccess of weening myself off of benzo's (The benzodiazepines (pronounced [ˌbenzəʊdaɪˈæzəpiːnz], or "benzos" for short) are a class of psychoactive drugs considered minor tranquilizers with varying hypnotic, sedative, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties, which are mediated by slowing down the central nervous system.[)

So... all of this sounds pretty negative right? Well my life is not actually bad at all, At the ripe age of 27 I have become a bona fide pessimist and right now I'm in a stage between extreme anxiety and normalcy. That stage is called DEPRESSION. I have not experienced depression in years, so I am having a tough time dealing with it. Most of my ramblings in this blog will have A LOT to do with HEALTH, HYPOCHONDRIA, ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS, AND EATING DISORDERS. I hope that anyone who happens to fall upon this and can relate please contact me. I need new friends that understand that I cannot be diagnosed, but I am mentally unstable.

On Hypochondria: In the past 12 monthes, I have diagnosed myself with the following diseases, or possible diseases... LYMPHOMA (both hodgkins and non hodgkins), OVARIAN CANCER, AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES (hiv, lyme, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis).... and many more.
I have spent , or should I say, ACCRUED thousands of dollars in debt to find out that no, no doctors believe I have any one of these diseases and have been given a clean bill of health by 3 GP'S, 2 ER docs, and 2 surgeons. I have had 3 CT scans, 2 with barium and iv dye contrast, one pelvic ultrasound, countless bloodtests, and a chest xray. I pushed for a PET scan and an excisional biopsy, but the docs say they cant give me the PET unless they think I have cancer or already do for sure, and they cannot biopsy me because CT shows nothing to biopsy. During this period of time, I popped many Ativans and cried many tears, and blew off work , drove my family and boyfriend crazy, shunned my friends, and uglified myself. Now that I have NO CHOICE but to believe that I am ok, which trust me, is a RELIEF... I'm left feeling exhausted and overworked, and dopesick because I exceeded the dosage on the Ativans and now I dont need them as much. Liken it to running a huge marathon without training first, and then waking up the next day.

On being NEUROTIC AND ANXIETY RIDDEN: I have and always will be a very nervous and anxious person. Usually with no cause, possible cause, and rarely with good cause. I obsessively check my body for 'problems'. I dig my fingers into my neck and into my collarbones searching for abnormalities. I dig them into my abdomen. I obsessively take my temperature, yes all 3 ways.. tympanic, oral.. and on many occasions.. even rectal. I worry about everything and nothing and usually feel like my skin is crawling, even on a good day. Before, I was REALLY bad.. i mean years ago.. it lightened up... would come back here and there, and recently in the past 3 monthes it came back full force.


About my 'remissioned' EATING DISORDER. Classified as Eating Disorder unspecified. Though, the doctor diagnosis that prevented my new job insurance company from insuring me was Anorexia Nervosa. Right now I am at a normal weight..106 lbs and 4'11. Entirely too big for my tastes, but my therapist loves it, as does my boyfriend who wouldnt even touch me when I was at my happy weight, 83 lbs. For the past 3 years I would switch disorders, Id go hardcore starvation/bulimia...get worn down.. diagnose myself with a disease.. no disease found.. then starvation.. collapse.. diagnose myself with disease.. and around and round we go. This round of hypo was so bad, that I chucked my ED and put on all of this weight. The ED is the one mental health issue that I enjoy, and I'm having a tough time throwing myself back into my old 'habits'. My therapists, family, doctors are elated.... I am pissed.


On weening off off BENZOS: This is where the pain kicks in. I feel dopesick and physically ill. They really helped through the hypo and all the testing, but now when I don't take any my muscles and back ache,.. I feel nauseous and cold and terrible and the anxiety comes back full force. So we are slowly tapering from these.. and I will NEVER take them again.



So thats it for now.... me in a NUT shell (no pun intended).. I'll probably be back later to create more posts. I have nothing to do today, and not the energy to do things that NEED to be done..

Take care

Annie