Dear Diary..First entry

Ok.... so this is my second stab at blogging. I blogged on my myspace.. it was pretty popular, but I have recently run out of funny stories, and celebrity rantings and right now I don't know where the hell I am. I've lost my muse. I decided to give privacy blogging (ie, that my real life friends have no access to) a try again at the urging of another blogger, Miss Leila V. (check out her funny blog at http://theperfecthypochondriac.blogspot.com/)

A few things about myself before we begin:

1. I am a raging hypochondriac
2. I am neurotic and anxiety ridden
3. I am in eating disorder remission
4. I think Tony totally was killed on the Sopranos
5. I am a mother
6. I am a chain smoker
7. I am confused
8. I don't really have any TOO-MAH's (according to the docs)
9. I think too much
10. I am in the proccess of weening myself off of benzo's (The benzodiazepines (pronounced [ˌbenzəʊdaɪˈæzəpiːnz], or "benzos" for short) are a class of psychoactive drugs considered minor tranquilizers with varying hypnotic, sedative, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties, which are mediated by slowing down the central nervous system.[)

So... all of this sounds pretty negative right? Well my life is not actually bad at all, At the ripe age of 27 I have become a bona fide pessimist and right now I'm in a stage between extreme anxiety and normalcy. That stage is called DEPRESSION. I have not experienced depression in years, so I am having a tough time dealing with it. Most of my ramblings in this blog will have A LOT to do with HEALTH, HYPOCHONDRIA, ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS, AND EATING DISORDERS. I hope that anyone who happens to fall upon this and can relate please contact me. I need new friends that understand that I cannot be diagnosed, but I am mentally unstable.

On Hypochondria: In the past 12 monthes, I have diagnosed myself with the following diseases, or possible diseases... LYMPHOMA (both hodgkins and non hodgkins), OVARIAN CANCER, AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES (hiv, lyme, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis).... and many more.
I have spent , or should I say, ACCRUED thousands of dollars in debt to find out that no, no doctors believe I have any one of these diseases and have been given a clean bill of health by 3 GP'S, 2 ER docs, and 2 surgeons. I have had 3 CT scans, 2 with barium and iv dye contrast, one pelvic ultrasound, countless bloodtests, and a chest xray. I pushed for a PET scan and an excisional biopsy, but the docs say they cant give me the PET unless they think I have cancer or already do for sure, and they cannot biopsy me because CT shows nothing to biopsy. During this period of time, I popped many Ativans and cried many tears, and blew off work , drove my family and boyfriend crazy, shunned my friends, and uglified myself. Now that I have NO CHOICE but to believe that I am ok, which trust me, is a RELIEF... I'm left feeling exhausted and overworked, and dopesick because I exceeded the dosage on the Ativans and now I dont need them as much. Liken it to running a huge marathon without training first, and then waking up the next day.

On being NEUROTIC AND ANXIETY RIDDEN: I have and always will be a very nervous and anxious person. Usually with no cause, possible cause, and rarely with good cause. I obsessively check my body for 'problems'. I dig my fingers into my neck and into my collarbones searching for abnormalities. I dig them into my abdomen. I obsessively take my temperature, yes all 3 ways.. tympanic, oral.. and on many occasions.. even rectal. I worry about everything and nothing and usually feel like my skin is crawling, even on a good day. Before, I was REALLY bad.. i mean years ago.. it lightened up... would come back here and there, and recently in the past 3 monthes it came back full force.


About my 'remissioned' EATING DISORDER. Classified as Eating Disorder unspecified. Though, the doctor diagnosis that prevented my new job insurance company from insuring me was Anorexia Nervosa. Right now I am at a normal weight..106 lbs and 4'11. Entirely too big for my tastes, but my therapist loves it, as does my boyfriend who wouldnt even touch me when I was at my happy weight, 83 lbs. For the past 3 years I would switch disorders, Id go hardcore starvation/bulimia...get worn down.. diagnose myself with a disease.. no disease found.. then starvation.. collapse.. diagnose myself with disease.. and around and round we go. This round of hypo was so bad, that I chucked my ED and put on all of this weight. The ED is the one mental health issue that I enjoy, and I'm having a tough time throwing myself back into my old 'habits'. My therapists, family, doctors are elated.... I am pissed.


On weening off off BENZOS: This is where the pain kicks in. I feel dopesick and physically ill. They really helped through the hypo and all the testing, but now when I don't take any my muscles and back ache,.. I feel nauseous and cold and terrible and the anxiety comes back full force. So we are slowly tapering from these.. and I will NEVER take them again.



So thats it for now.... me in a NUT shell (no pun intended).. I'll probably be back later to create more posts. I have nothing to do today, and not the energy to do things that NEED to be done..

Take care

Annie