I've got a secret enemy..

Ok so.. yesterday I click on my myspace and notice there have been a few changes made... someone changed my status and mood to some rude things.. the status was " Tania is elated because she thinks she fooling everyone and shes not"... and my mood DIRTY. Hrmm.. this is upsetting..I quickly changed my password, but that doesn't still mean that this person, who is obviously mad at me, figured out my password, changed my profile to mean things and THEN I notice they changed one of my picture captions to something rude about a guy in it and then posted a kind of mean comment under it, BY ME, that I had written to one of my girlfriends about the guy in the picture!!!!!! This also means, that they have read every single sent and received message I have on that site, for like the last 10 monthes, being that I never erase any of it...therefore this person knows pretty much everything about me and some things I dont want ANYONE to know!!! UGH! I MIGHT know who it is..but have no idea why he would be so upset with me as to hack into my account and do this.

Also, my hypochondriacs dream, Dr. Geno.. did not call me yesterday. I havent talked to him since he called me to say Goodnight on Sunday. Sad sad sad. I should have known. I mean I know I shouldn't overreact, it is only Tuesday, but according to HE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU, this is not a good thing, and busy with rotations or not, if he was thinking of me, he would have called...

Anyways.. because of my myspace hijack, I had to go through and remove a lot of things.. one of them being something I blogged about when I first started putting on weight after my eating disorder that I had set to private. I had to delete it but am going to post it here because I don't know what else to do with it...:::::::::


Do you use self-injury (cutting yourself, burning yourself, pulling out your own hair) as a way to cope with things?The answer for me is, no. I do not. There is a woman at work that I'm fairly sure engages in atleast one of these activities. I often wonder about her. I've been silently watching her from afar for over 2 years now. She has a very shocking appearance. She has got extremely thin hair and it looks as if there are huge chunks out of it in certain places. She never puts it up in a ponytail and I never understand this. It may cover up her bald spots. I used to think perhaps she was sick in some way.. perhaps going through chemotherapy or had some other sort of health issue. After going through what I have been through I am fairly sure she has an eating disorder of some type. Thought perhaps maybe her hair was just falling out. It happened to me, though never at that extent. I'm willing to bet she pulls it out. Her face is concave and her eyes pop out. I'm betting she is mid 30's but looks so haggard that she has the face of an elderly woman. Two years ago I used to cringe at the way her hips and saddle bags looked in her pants. She was pretty thin but it always looked as if her jeans were painfully cutting into them. Right now she is SUPER THIN. She has still got those hips. I imagine her looking into the mirror and obsessing over them. She looks underweight but perhaps genetics from mom or dad's mom cursed her with those hips. She has probably convinced herself that if she just diets more and more they will go away. I imagine that she has been doing this for 20 years now. Maybe a little less. It usually takes years and years of abuse and restriction before an eating disorder would affect a persons general appearance in such a way. I really feel bad for her. I want to ask her SOOOO bad. I want to go up and just give her that 'knowing' look. When I catch her in the breakroom on lunch I make it a point to casually walk by to see what she is consuming. I can never tell. I don't want to make it too obvious. Last year when I myself started to get painfully thin, I would catch her look at me. I already knew what she was thinking. She was looking at me with that awed look that eating disordered women have when they see another thin woman. It's envious and loathsome all at once. She still makes it a point to look at me. She may or may not have an idea of what I am going through. Probably just sees that I am young, or atleast look extremely young and its all genetics.Though it was The kind of thin that gives people a shock. My family has expressed concern as have my friends. I notice that heavier women tend to notice.. but other thin women would not consider what I was as ANA (anorexia) skinny. This does not just happen with her. It happens with me and all women. If there is one thing that I can say about myself is that I am extremely perceptive. I can usually tell if someone is thin by genetics or a possible eating disorder. Another girl at work. I am sort of torn on her. Shes young and petite and auburn haired. She is TINY.. I find myself looking at her with that envy/loathing look. She does not have an ANA walk about her. The ' im folding myself into myself' look. She walks upright, proud..struts almost. Good genes, I told myself. Until one day I passed her in the breakroom. Her lunch consisted of a rather large piece of chocolate cake which she devoured. I knew where she was headed after that cake was gone.Right now I am what you would considered 'recovered'.. My weight has gone up from 83 at lowest to 106 (cringe) lbs in a year. Unlike typical girls with an eating disorder I am very open about it. Most girls keep it hidden like a dirty secret. Not me. I have embraced how fucking crazy I am over the years. I've got nothing to hide. This is just another chapter in the HOW MANY MENTAL DISORDERS YOU CAN GET IN 10 YEARS book that I am considering writing. I am at a crossroads right now. I miss ANA sooooo much it hurts. I hate my body right now to the point where I don't even want to look nice. Or attempt to look nice. The positive compliments and attention I have been receiving lately should keep me ok. But they never did. They don't mean shit to me. Only how I feel inside. Right now I am shaking like a leaf. Anxious, sick, screaming inside. I've just got 3 espressos trying to expel what is left of yesterdays binging. I cannot even type anymore