Ok so I have decided. Since the doctors found no cause of illness, no illness, nothing for them to diagnose me with... the possibilities are now exhausted. At the current moment, the doctors believe that I have no terminal illness. So I am forced to just say screw it and agree with them. It will comeback though. It always does. Out of nowhere usually... or in the shower.. or on a bad day.. or after a movie or commercial.. or an internet symptom search. I have been in therapy long enough to recognize my patterns. Hypochondria to anorexia, anorexia to hypochondria.. it was not forced for the longest time.. its just how it worked. I like anorexia much more than hypochondria...and if I am going to HAVE to have one, I'm going to choose anorexia. Atleast I have CONTROL over that. My hypochondriasis is uncontrollable..it eats at me and kills me inside and there are no UPSIDES to it. The upside of my anorexia is that while I typically feel physically ill when I'm starving, it is in a good empty way. And all my clothes look nice. And I like to shop. And I like to leave the house. So after this big ass order of Taco Bell I'm about to consume... I'm going to start working at putting myself into the frame of mind I need to lose weight. And I know when I have gone too far. And I can start eating again and be fine. My ED therapist Kelly says " Why is it that you don't remember how you would come in here and tell me how exhausted you were and how horrible you felt physically all the time?", when I reveal my new philosophy to her. " I do..but it hurts a lot less than the other".
I have a typical regimen I go through when its time to start dieting....
1. I start buying tabloids (better than buying medical dictionaries)
2. I start googling SKINNY CELEBS or SKINNY or EMACIATED (better than googling 'night sweats, swollen glands, or lymphoma)
3. I stock up on supplies (much cheaper than blood work and CT scans)
-Fleet Enemas
-Green Vegetables
-Sugar Free Jello
-Bouillon cubes.. chicken or beef
-Caffeine
-Colon Cleanser
-Diet soda
-Multivitamin (so my hair doesnt fall out and i dont bruise)
4. Start silently chanting " you are fat you are fat you are fat" (feels better than you are sick you are sick you have cancer you have cancer
Let you know how it turns out
Annie
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Rantings and ravings of a raging hypochondriac
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2 comments:
Hang in there, Annie! At least you can recognize your pattern, that's gotta be worth something. Says the pot to the kettle.
If only hypochondria were like alcoholism, then we'd be way past that first step.
Keep us updated!
Ha... thank you for understanding.. normally someone will say no no you dont have to do that, but they dont understand just how BAD and DEBILITATING it is to have severe hypochondria.
PS i think hhaving no health insurance (mine was denied because my eating disorder was revealed when they did their background check on my med history), that alcoholism would be much cheaper.
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